Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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