He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
