I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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