He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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