i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We're not piercing ourselves today.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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