At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I want to fling myself into the sun
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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