Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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