Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
