wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
