don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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