He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
