I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
