you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
