News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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