so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
