In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
