I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
