Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
