First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
