I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
