A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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