It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
