At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
