we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
