he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
