Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
