piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
