if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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