Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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