it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
