If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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