I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
