dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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