oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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