Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
