Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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