Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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