my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
