just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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