What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
