I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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