...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
