I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
