Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
