i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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