I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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