I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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