3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
