Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
