Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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