im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
