Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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