Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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